Can't understand the words? Check 'em out here...
COWBOY BY DAY, BALLERINA BY NIGHT

Some folks might describe me as a quintessential man
Branding cattle, mending fences, drinking coffee from a can
But you know they're only half right, there's more to me than that.
And when that spotlight hits the stage, I wear a different hat.

I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night
Graceful as a dying swan
Dressed in leather and chiffon
I ride the range all day
Then at night I leap and I twirl
A man's got to feel like a man except
When a man's got to feel like a girl.

I learned a painful lesson, I now know what occurs
When I put my feet in third position while I'm wearing spurs
Other cowboys mock me, I guess they find it hard
To ride the trail beside when I wear my leotard.

I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night
You'll find me at the rodeos
Wearing my Capezios
Some folks think I'm schizophrenic
and they may be right
Cowboy by day, ballerina by night.

Sometimes I feel like John Wayne
Sometimes I feel more like Margot Fontayn

When I'm not at the saloon, I'm stretching at the barre
Hell, I am the most limber cowpoke that you've ever seen... by far.
But I've got a problem, 'cause someday I'll have to choose
Whether to die with my boots on or in my silk toe shoes.

I'm a cowboy by day, ballerina by night
When the working day is through
I commence to pas de deaux
I ride the range all day
Then at night I leap and I twirl
A man's got to feel like a man except
When a man's got to feel like a girl.

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



LIE LIE LIE - political version

I used to be unpopular, I didn't have a friend
I couldn't say a word that wouldn't rankle or offend
I thought that being honest was a noble policy
Since then I've found a much more electable strategy.... (pause)

Lie lie lie, til you're losing your voice
Lie til you're red in the face
Don't ask why, you don't have any choice
There are times when the truth must be said
But no one's discovered them yet

You say that you’ll cut taxes boy, they say, “we’ll vote for you!”
You say you won’t cut spending and they say, “have a term or two!”
You tell them family values cannot be overstated
And hope they never find your special friend who is inflated

Lie lie lie, when you've become the president
Lie regarding where the-weapons-of-mass-destruction went
Lie to the troops when you won’t bring them home
And when you lie look them straight in the eye
And say, "hey, I swear you won’t die"

Lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
No you couldn’t find bin Laden,
So you said you wanted Saddam, lie lie lie
Lie lie lie, your foreign policy is stunning,
and all your jokes are funny, lie lie lie

Lie lie lie, the war on terror's winnable,
The truth is always spinnable, lie lie
Lie lie lie, you can get by on your talents,
Fox news is fair and balanced, lie lie
Lie lie lie, your rhetoric’s believable,
And my virginity's retrievable

Lie lie lie to your family and friends
Lie lie lie to your constituents
Lie to get by, like a good republican
There are times when the truth must be said
But no one's discovered them yet
No one's discovered them yet

© 1998 Steve Goodie, Jacob Kantor, and Andy Corwin ASCAP



ACTUAL SIZE

I never claimed to be well endowed
There's nothing that makes me stand out from the crowd
It ain't my intention to tell you some lies
Or to misrepresent my actual size
Actual size, Actual size
I try to be honest when I advertise
Because I don't want it to be a surprise
If'n you feast your eyes on my actual size

There was this girl that I dated last fall
She told me that size didn't matter at all
But when I applauded her for what she said
She added, "except, of course, when you're in bed"

Actual size, Actual size
Hey, lets hear it for average guys
I didn't come here to proselytize
Just to speak out in favor of actual size
Well, yeah, I'll admit the temptation is there
To exaggerate what's in your underwear
But if you think you need to conceal all your flaws
Then you're just like them women that wear padded bras

Actual size, Actual size
There ain't no reason to wear a disguise
Be proud of your (you know) and don't stigmatize
Yourself for being actual size

Actual size, Actual size
Beauty resides in the beholder's eyes
Let all of them other dumb jocks fantasize
Stand erect and be proud of your actual size

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

When your heart is heavy
When the night has been too long
When every road you choose
Muddies up your shoes
And leads you wrong

When you're cold and lonely
When your rope is at its end
When darkness clouds the skies
And tears fill your eyes
When you just need a friend

Don't look at me
Wipe your own damn nose
And if I've kept you down or made you cry
Or trampled all your hopes and dreams
Well, that's the way it goes

In heaven there's no hate or war
In heaven no one's hungry or poor
In heaven they hold hands evermore
But we're on earth
And here on earth
It's everyman for himself

When you're a Black, Chicano, Native-American, Jewish lesbian folk singer
And this morning when you woke up you hit your head on the steering wheel
You're shoulder deep in shit
And you just wanna quit
I know how you can get a handgun without the usual background check

Get off my lawn
Pay your rent on time

And if I hire illegals to build a wall around my property
It's just 'cause I'm
Tough on crime

In heaven there's no fear or need
In heaven no one's rabid with greed
In heaven you get laid guaranteed
But we're on earth
And here on earth
It's everyman for himself

© 1995 Roy Zimmerman, Watunes BMI



AN AGNOSTIC GOSPEL SONG

There is a train, (train, train)
that is bound for glory
But you won't find me on board...
If-you're-wonderin'-why, (why oh why)
come and listen to the story
Of why I'm not on a first name basis with the Lord

When I was a little child (just a little bitty tyke)
I used to read the gospel
and I prayed at night in my room
But then I went to college (U.C.L.A.)
and the required reading
included Schopenhauer, Kant and David Hume

In a very short time (in the relative sense)
I had to declare my major
So I chose philosophy
'Cause I began to think (therefore I am)
that I could totally ace the midterm
Because I could already spell epistemology

By my Sophomore year (still living in the dorm)
I began to doubt and ponder
The very existence of "you know who"
I had become (a godless heathen)
I prefer the term "agnostic",
profound as Bertrand Russell, existential as Camus

Hey gimme that ol' Skepticism
Gimme that Logical Positivism
Dialectical Materialism's good enough for me

Oh, have you warshed in Einstein's theory that
Space/Time is curvulinear, not flat
or speculate each moment of your life is
as random as Schrödinger's cat

So today I stand here as a non-believer
But I'm tempted to change my ways
Cause recently, (in the very last verse)
while I was thinking deeply
I realized agnostics don't have any holidays

There is a train, train, train
that is bound for glory
But you won't find me on board...
If-you're-wonderin'-why, (why oh why)
come and listen to the story
Of why I'm not on a first name basis with the Lord

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



EXTRA

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I did not get a speaking role
I auditioned in the valley, after waiting six hours
I'm an extra, cause they say I am
I don't need the bright lights, cause I have a donut

I slept with the director, I slept with the AD
I slept with the key grip, and the makeup lady
Well, I wanted to, but she smacked me

I am an extra in the movie of my life
I worked nine twelve-hour days
I got four seconds of screen-time
In a crowd scene in downtown Baghdad
I'm the one with my back to the camera
With my hair standing up, and my finger in my ear

I am an extra in the movie of my life
And I am not union
I am an extra, and I'll be your waiter tonight

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



SEX AND DRUGS AND BILL MONROE

When I was just a young'un sitting on my Momma's knee
I told her that when I grew up a bluegrass picker I would be
To this day I still recall the words of my dear mother
She said, "Son, you can't do both. You've got to pick one or the other".

So give me Sex & Drugs & Bill Monroe
Bluegrass music gets me high like nothing else I know
I don't play Nashville country. I don't play no Rock & Roll.
I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole

Some folks think that bluegrass is predictable and dull
They'd rather hear Metallic or classic Jethro Tull
But if you come to my house, let there be no mistake
We'll party like crazed weasels when the banjo take a break

So give me Sex & Drugs & Bill Monroe
I have never been one to embrace the status quo
I don't play rap or techno. R&B or soul
'Cause I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole

I go to every festival. I travel near and far
In my trusty Winnebago with my D-18 guitar
I lie around all day just drinkin' brewskis from a trough
Then I stay up all night jammin' and piss everybody off

Just give me Sex & Drugs & Bill Monroe
Take your clothes off, smoke a bowl, and rosin up that bow
I don't mean to be facetious, supercilious or droll
But I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole
I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, hard-core bluegrasshole

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



SHE'S JEWISH

Mama said, "Get it through your head
You're a Jewish boy, and you'll marry a Jewish girl"
I said, "Those Jewish girls won't give me the time of day
Though they're pretty and they're sweet, they won't be seen with me"
Mama said, "You'll see, a Jew will come your way"
And one did, one day
Though she's not what I expected

She drinks she smokes, she scares old folks
She only laughs at her own jokes
She's terribly uncouth, she looks just like Babe Ruth
She lies she spits, won't shave her pits
She's got spackle in her make-up kit
But I can't let her go, cause Mama says so

Son, she's Jewish, she's Jewish
And the wedding day's approachin'
She's Jewish, she's Jewish
And you'll love her cause she's chosen
Oh my fate is sealed
Mama says it's a done deal
So you can keep your Ally McBeals
I'll take the schnauser in high heels
Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish

She's really mean, she's rarely clean
She beats me like a tambourine
Oy, the grief I'm takin', to keep Mama's heart from breakin'
She loves corned beef, look, it's in her teeth
She's plenty ample underneath
And though she treats me badly, I'll take a lifetime of her, gladly

Cause she's Jewish, she's Jewish
And that's what Mama wanted
Yeah, she's Jewish, she's Jewish
She don't got it, but she'll flaunt it
Mama says she's a steal
She likes kishka in her oatmeal
She's got kosher appeal
She's pure matza meal
She's built like Shaqille
And I'm her shlemeil
When she sings Hava Nagila
I could sure use some tequila

Nagila!

Now she's mishpuchah
Pain in the tuchas
I'm black and blueish, because she's shrewish
Not to mention moo-ish, now don't you boo-ish
We're almost through-ish
Oh she's Jewish
She's Jewish..........

Mazel tov!

© 1998 Steve Goodie and Jacob Kantor ASCAP



TRAVELIN' HARD

He's been travelin' hard
Yeah, he's been travelin' hard
I'm a travelin' man, I travel for my pay
Not counting my per diem I make seven hundred dollars a day
When I travel by air I always fly first class
And when I go by car I get reimbursed for gas
He's been travelin' hard
Yes, He's been travelin' hard

By trade I am a businessman I wheel and deal all day
I try to get the upper hand that's how I earn my pay
I'm always very careful to not make a mistake
There' no such thing as a conference call I'm too busy to take.
He's teleconferencing hard
Yeah, he's teleconferencing hard

I landed at O'Hare. I couldn't find a cab
So, I called a limousine. It was a ninety-five dollar tab
When I arrived at Palmer House I checked into my suite
Then met up with my clients and took them out to eat
Charging any amount
to his expense account

I live in New York City ten months of the year
but for the other two months I'm anywhere but here
I may be down in Mexico or in the South of France
Anywhere that I can pick up women drink and dance
He's vacationing hard
Yeah, he's vacationing hard

From here to there and back again
Across this mighty land
He's always dressed impeccably
He's always fit and tanned
He has a sound portfolio
His income is first-rate
He plans to take retirement when he turns 28
If you think you see me as I travel place to place
Don't try to recognize me by the features of my face
You'll know be by the logo and by the designer name
on the most expensive luggage circling round the baggage claim
He's been travelin' hard
Yeah, he's been travelin' hard

© 2000 Andy Corwin BMI



PAIN

The slamming door broke his nose
As his tears fell her laughter rose
But she's not completely heartless
She slid some tissue through the mail slot

She said, "If you ever come round here again
I'll have you hurt, I have some friends
Who will happily break every limb that you got"
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

She yelled out the window, as he got to the street
"Here's your stuff, I've arranged it all so neatly"
And she tossed it to him
But eleven floors can rearrange
And an unabridged Webster's can cause a lot of pain
Which he took on the chin
Now he's starting to think she don't love him anymore

The feeling's gone, 'cept for the aforementioned pain
Lost love hurts, but blood stains
He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders how long the swelling will remain

He wonders if his life will ever be the same
He wonders if he'll ever breathe through his nose again

The papers arrived today
She's charging him with pain and suffering
He's starting to think she don't love him anymore

© 1990 Ty Hager, Thropwin Music ASCAP



AIN'T NO LIBERAL

I saw a blinding flash of light
So I pulled over to the first church on the right

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

I saw a bum on the curb today
Well, I hit the gas and covered him with gutter spray

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

My heart is jumpin' and my head is swimmin'
I feel like I could take the vote away from women

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

On that joyful day, yes on that glorious day
The day I threw my Birkenstocks away
The angel told me, "Oh, ye man of sin,
Open up your bleeding heart and let Donny Rumsfeld in

I saw a starving third world nation
So I exploited its underprivileged population

And I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal no more

Oh, on that joyful day, yes on that glorious day
The day I burned up all my macrame
The angel told me what is good for GM
Is good for me, and me, and her
And the hell with the rest of them

I used to be so paranoid
But now I'm — what?!

I feel so good, ain't no doubt
Wanna laugh and shout about it
'Cause I once was a liberal
But I ain't no liberal
And I once was a peacenik
But I bought stock in Lockheed
And I once was a union man
But I got me this nice office
And I once was a feminist
But I just don't understand women
And I once supported rent control
But I inherited some property
And I once was anti-censorship
But I don't have time for fiction
And I once hated racism
But I figure, why fight it?

And I once had compassion
But I ain't no liberal no more

© 1993 Roy Zimmerman, Watunes BMI



SONG ABOUT NOTHING

This is a song about nothing
It's just something I wrote
On the back of an envelope
that came in the mail with my auto insurance quote

It doesn't have any message .......Oh, oh, oh
It doesn't mean a damn thing .......Not one thing
In fact it doesn't amount to much more
than a feeble excuse to sing .......Feeble excuse

I don't know why I wrote it .......Whoa, whoa, whoa
Why I invested the time .......So much time
Coming up with this melody, or
juggling the lyrics to make every other line rhyme
It not particularly poignant .......Oh, no, no
Unique or memorable .......It's forgettable
In fact the very idea for this song
isn't even original .......It's not his idea

I put in this part just cause I wanted to play this chord
If for no other reason than to keep us all from getting bored .......God, we're bored!

With this song about nothing .......Oh, oh, oh
It isn't even very funny .......Ha, ha, ha
But wouldn't it be ironic
if it became a big hit and we made buttloads of money .......Out the butt!
With this song about nothing
I think we'll end it right here

© 2001 Andy Corwin BMI



STEVE THE PIRATE

When Steve was a young man he set out to sea
A swashbuckling pirate, he aspired to be
He was young, he was eager, he was stalwart and stout
But we'd no sooner put out from port then I threw my back out

Arrr! Blimey, ye hearties!
Where's Steve?
(and some more incomprehensible pirate noise)


Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to Steve
But no chiropractor he turned out to be
Arrr!
On that ship he could find no relief for his back
'Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack

Gimme that rum, ye lubber ye! Ye scallywag!
Smartly there, men!


Singin' yo ho, maybe Steve was mistaken
This is a voyage I shouldn't'a taken
Arrr! Arrr!
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me

Shiver me timbers!
Fasten them jibs, ye...
Heave to! Heave three!


On the second day out, his misfortunes did grow
Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo
Arrr! Arrr!
He sustained several bruises, he lost a gold crown
And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down

Don't get yer booty where ye get yer plunder!
Oy! Me mizzenmast! Ho!


He suffered all manner of infirmity
From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD
Arrr! Arrr!
He was bloated and moody, his skin was a mess
If I didn't know better I'd swear that I had PMS

Wait in the lookout!
Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!


Singin' yo ho, a professional sailor
Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as Steve/me

He could not rob and pillage along with the crew
So, the captain he gave me some filing to do
Arrr! Arrr!
But it did not take long till I did succumb
To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome

Steve! File this! Swap the poopdeck!

By the end of the week all his mateys could tell
My career as a pirate wasn’t going too well
Arrr! Arrr!
Seems the crew took a vote when Steve wasn't around
And decided that no one would miss me too much if I drowned

Thanks, fellas...
Where's Steve?


Singin' yo ho, two hundred demerits
If the captain finds out I'm allergic to parrots
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Oy, me mizzenmast! (again)
Ay carrumba!
(and yet more incomprehensible pirate noise)


He escaped just in time, we are pleased to report
Though my plank-walkin’ fate I did barely abort
He washed out as a pirate upon the high seas
So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s
Arrr! Arrr!

Singin' yo ho, I got such a floggin’
When Britney Spears I was caught catalogin’
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who's quite as consistently, brutally, desperately,
clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive,
compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me/Steve

Ye'll meet the rope's end, me bucko!
Mashed potatoes are good with oatmeal!
(and even more incomprehensible pirate noise)
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone...


© 2005 Andy Corwin & Steve Goodie



GO FORTH MY SON

Go forth my son, there's work to be done
It's up to you to lead us in the new millenium
So learn well the lessons that history has to teach
And follow the examples of our forefathers

Go forth my son, like George Washington
Put powder in your wig and wear wooden teeth
And sire illegitimate children, and stand up in boats
And get your picture on a quarter

Go forth my son, like Abraham Lincoln
Drive yourself to work in a luxury towncar
And every year on your birthday, put consumer electronics on sale
And live in a cabin made of tiny logs

America is a great big country
With many fine stores open late
It's got pizza and cell phones
And fraudulent elections
I'd have to say America is great

It's an excellent place to be an American
So let's all give a rousing cheer
Of God Bless America, it's the land I call... here

So go forth my son, with stalwart conviction
An accident of birth has made you an American
So always fight for what you believe in, every now and then
And good luck tomorrow on your history exam

© 2001 Andy Corwin



SOMEBODY ELSE GOT TO BE
JIMMY BUFFETT


I'm just a middle-class, middle-aged, middle-of-the-roader
Trying to do the best I can do
I got a fiberglass boat with an Evenrude motor
I named her Margaritaville II

I got a closet full of shirts that are covered in parrots
My belly hangs over my belt
Sometimes I get to thinking that it just isn't fair
It's a rotten hand of cards I've been dealt

When I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife
She just told me to stuff it
Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life
Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett

I'm just a white-bread parrot-head wannabe poet
Hoping for a night on the town
I drink way too much tequila, but you would never know it
Until I throw up and fall down

Oh my head starts to swimmin' when I try and meet women
I become a slave to my fears
I guess you could say I'm horizontally challenged
I haven't been laid in two years

I have this recurring dream I'm on a tropical beach
Out beyond the continental shelf
But as the palm trees sway all the women ever say
Is why don't you get drunk and screw yourself?

Oh and when I tried to explain it to my future ex-wife
She just told me to stuff it
Oh the biggest disappointment of my sorry-ass life
Is somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett
Somebody else got to be Jimmy Buffett

© 2001 Andy Corwin



HOW COME YOU AIN'T DEAD YET

There was magic, there was music, there was quiet tenderness
You said you couldn't live without me, and you sealed it with a kiss
You spelled it out in poetry, how much I meant to you
And if you had to live without me, whatever would you do?
Whatever would you do? Well, if what I hear is true
You're doing Billy, Bobby, Barry, Larry, Fred, and Bubba too

You said you couldn't live without me, like Romeo and Juliet
Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet

Life has not been fair to you, I know the struggles that you've been through
And the responsibility you've lived up to, so little time, so many guys to do
But just think, if you were dead, how great my life would be
My lawyer tells me I'm your sole beneficiary

You said you couldn't live without me, and it's touching to see such a devoted bimbette
Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet

You broke your glass slipper, but don't worry Cinderella
You got thirty days to die or it's me, that's gonna kill ya

I wouldn't be missing much, especially in the bed
From what I can recall it might be better, if you were dead

You said you couldn't live without me, I hope you wreck your new Corvette
Well if you couldn't live without me, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet
I want to know, how come you ain't dead yet

© 1992 Steve Goodie



THE DOLLAR BILL SONG

She took a dollar bill from her wallet, she picked up a fountain pen
She wrote down the words 'I love you' next to the picture of George Washington
She took the dollar bill to the grocery store, and bought herself a chocolate cake
She gave the dollar bill to the grocery man, and she went back home to wait

The grocery man gave the dollar bill to a fat guy from Baton Rouge
He spent the bill at the hardware store on a box of flat-top screws
The hardware store gave the dollar bill to a customer named Clive
Who, by the way, is the son of one of the original Dave Clark Five

He spent the bill at the laundramat, they gave it to a lady named Fran
Fran's youngest son stole the bill from her purse and went to see Star Wars again
The movie theatre guy spent the dollar bill on a subway ride uptown
Three minutes later the bill was in the pocket of a gamblin' man named Brown

Brown blew the bill in a poker game, he was fishin' for an inside straight
The dollar went home with a man named Jones who was sitting on a pair of eights
Jones took the bill to a savings bank, the teller's name was Dan
Dan gave the bill to a customer named Rabbi Finkelman

Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear
Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there

Anyway the Rabbi spent the bill on a ham and cheese to go
They gave the bill to a guy named Phil who gave it to his best friend Joe
Joe had planned to spend it on some flowers for his bride
But he was mugged by a junkie named Doug in the parking lot outside

Doug's old lady spent the bill on a couple o' cans o' beer
She eventually becomes a very famous poet but that don't matter here
The liquor store guy put the dollar bill in his register but then
Doug the junkie said "Stick 'em up" and the dollar was his again

Singin' I am with you all the time, I can hear ya loud and clear
Just give a tug along the line ya know I will be there

He gave the bill to a girl named Jill who gave it to a girl named Flo
She gave the bill to a real short guy whose name I do not know
He gave the bill to another short guy who gave it to a guy named Jake
Jake took the bill to a bar 'n' grill and bought himself a sirloin steak

Well later that day I happened to say "Think I'll stop by the bar 'n' grill"
The cashier counted out my change and handed me the dollar bill
Well I ran to a phone and I dialed in her number as fast as my fingers could do
I said "Baby, I just got your message" I said "Baby,I love you too"

I said, I am with you all the time I can hear you loud and clear
Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there
I said, baby, you don't need no dime, you don't need no subway fare
Just give a tug along the line you know I will be there
Yes you know I will be there, baby I'm with you everywhere

© 1990 Andy Breckman



IF I WAS YOU

If I was you I wouldn't stay with me, I'd have left me back in 1983
I'd have headed straight for Nashville Tennessee, if I was you, I wouldn't stay with me

If I was you I wouldn't stick around, I'd hop aboard the next bus out of town
Change my name to a different proper noun, if I was you I wouldn't stick around

No I would not stick around for more abuse
I'd throw my hands up and say what's the use
I call up all the airlines for a schedule of their flights
And get myself a stylish set of matching Samsonites

If I was you I'd leave me right away, I wouldn't stick around for one more day
Instead of turning prematurely gray, if I was you I'd leave me right away

Oh I'd leave me right away oh yes I would
I would take this opportunity to stick it to me good
I would hastily embark upon a long-overdue journey
Leave the nasty details in the hands of your attorney

If I was you I'd kick it into gear
Cause you ain't gonna find what you want here
But before you go would you get me another beer? Thanks darlin!
If I was you I wouldn't
If I was you I wouldn't
If I was you I wouldn't stay with me

© 2001 Andy Corwin



MY CONSERVATIVE GIRLFRIEND

She's a real type-A, and she's over-insured
Her favorite castaway, is Thurston Howell the Third
She doesn't like big government so it's no surprise
I can be her lover long as I downsize

My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend, every Friday we go liberal-bashing

She's got the supreme court, tattooed on her rump
Beside an autographed por-trait of Donald Trump
And from the day I checked her out from front to back
I knew her private sector could take up the slack

My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend, every Sunday we go Medicare-slashing

Oh baby, I close my eyes and I can see you ordering breakfast
You're having the spotted-owl omelette, whites only
Come on baby, bust my union, raise my interest rate, light my library fire

She only deals in quality narcotics and guns
She's got a Mexican wallet made from real Mexicans

My conservative girlfriend, got a tiny little heart full of passion
My conservative girlfriend, every summer we go wilderness-slashing

© 1995 Roy Zimmerman



PASSING TRAINS

A man is riding on a train, he's heading south, it starts to rain
He hums a soft and sad refrain, he thinks he'll never love again

On the other track a train, is heading north, through the rain
A woman looks out her window pane, her life has been a lonely game

Well, the two trains pass, they're moving fast
Faces flicker past, for half a beat
Their two eyes meet, and instantly they both can see
That they were meant to be

Yes it happened just like that, it hit them like a thunder crack
Both of them had seen the answer to their dreams, passing on the other track

So at the next stop he gets off, a love like that should not be lost
He takes the next train heading north, he does not know she's done the same

So they pass again, for half a beat
Their two eyes meet
But something's changed, it's not the same
Now they can see they were not meant to be

Well she knew someday it would have to end
She wonders can they still be friends
All the plans he made, all begin to fade
As she disappears around the bend

He will never, he will never be the same
Deep in his heart she will remain
As he hums a soft and sad refrain
He thinks he'll never love again

What do you think?
I think he's gonna love again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again and again and again

© 1990 Andy Breckman



THERE YOU HAVE IT,
THERE YOU ARE


I been slipping on banana peels since I got out of bed
Running round in circles till my face turns red
Falling out of windows, landing on my head
It's a miracle of science that I ain't dead

Ain't no use, hey can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me
It's kind of hard to believe that I made it this far
There you have it, there you are

I been stretched like a rubber band, strung like wire
Pumped up and punctured like a bicycle tire
Last time I checked, my hair was on fire
My car got broken into by the tabernacle choir

Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me
You'd have to admit that it's kind of bizarre
There you have it, there you are
There you have it, there you are

Now I don't like to make a fuss
I say let the chips fall where they will
But I'm starting to feel like Sisyphus
Rolling a great big rock uphill

I been stapled to a chicken and thrown outdoors
Chased by ravenous dinosaurs
Hit by several meteors
I just ran out of metaphors

Ain't no use, can't you see, terrible things keep happening to me
It's downright irregular
There you have it, there you are
There you have it, there you are

© 2001 Andy Corwin



IN A WAFFLE HOUSE
IN ALABAMA


I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night
Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite
My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed
I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead
In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama

It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough
It was the special anniversary of the day she took all my stuff
I was looking at the menu and the lovely pictures there
The waitress said, "Can I take your order?" and I looked up and stared
At my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House

In a Waffle House in Alabama, I just sat and stared and stammered
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
I wasn't quite good enough for her, and now she's cleaning up for sure
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run
I just sat and thought to myself, "This could be fun"
I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker?"
She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica in the Waffle House
In Alabama

I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?"
Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips
So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice
And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use
For my ex-wife, cause I sure couldn't"

Oh, in a Waffle House in Alabama, wishing to hell I had my camera
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
She left me for another lover, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

Soon after she'd taken it all and split it seems that the biker ran off with it
Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam, to truckers and bikers in Birmingham

I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit
And I figured I should leave her a real nice tip
So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write
Next time don't leave a good man for a loser with a bike
Or you'll end up

In a Waffle House in Alabama, you got what you deserve, goddam ya
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
Her brand-new lover took all her junk, now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
She was wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat

© 1992 Steve Goodie